


training wheels

by mushmin



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 03:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12644790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushmin/pseuds/mushmin
Summary: in which nobody is allowed to forget that we all start with training wheels.(Topp Dogg 7 Day Challenge)





	training wheels

**Author's Note:**

> this one's an emo mess sorry kids
> 
> (Chance Meeting for the challenge)

Falling apart is like falling in love without the training wheels on. 

Taeyang realizes this when he leaves his group for the first time. 

And it is the first time, because he is forced to leave _again_ and _again_ everytime he sees them on the street. Forced to exchange pleasantries everytime he catches the eye of someone he was once allowed to love, everytime Sehyuk's face lights up in recognition and he is forced to remember when he slaved away just to see that smile. 

And Taeyang isn't allowed to fall apart because he's the reason they all collapsed, right? 

He's the reason Hansol's cheeks are always red and rubbed raw, and he's the reason Yooncheol doesn't sleep at night. 

Instead their 9 to 5 is praying that it was all a dream but it's Taeyang's 9 to...forever. 

He doesn't get to wake up to Sangdo's solid chest warm behind his back. There is no Sangwon with warm tea sitting on the ground by his bed. He doesn't get to be okay.

So instead Taeyang builds himself a pair of makeshift training wheels out of a thousand knives and refuses to acknowledge that sometimes, he purposely runs his own foot over just to remember what it feels like to _feel something_. 

Sometimes, he even makes his training wheels out of tears and loosely threaded memories but they only get him so far before they too fall apart, like everything he's ever loved. 

He doesn't let himself fall apart. If he did, it would mean he loves himself, he thinks. 

In this sentiment is when he first tastes Jiho's warmth, the love seeping into him which he had to block because _you can't love someone else until you love yourself_ , and he didn't. 

Falling apart is like falling in love without training wheels, and everyone tells you how to install training wheels but never what to do when you've ripped them apart. When you've thrown away the bike. 

Taeyang wakes to silence. He wakes to an empty fridge. He wakes to a long walk to the store, where for a brief second, he allows himself to mourn his bike. 

And when he knocks carts with Byungjoo, or catches Sanggyun's eye only to watch as the younger immediately drops his gaze, he wakes just to fall apart all over again.


End file.
